Oct 25, 2010

Innerstate Love Song

Bend, OR - the most awesome place on Earth

Since last Wednesday, I have been quite blue. Turns out we will have to leave the most awesome place on Earth sometime in 2011 to return to Portland. It breaks my heart on a level as grievous as mourning a loved one.

The writer in me takes notes of all sorrow's nuances - the physical, the emotional and the toll it takes. I use it and pour it into any place appropriate. My characters feel it with me.

When we came here, I felt as if I had been called - like Bend had been waiting for me. Life here has been so awesome. I've never been happier and was building a good life. I grieve to leave it, Pine Mountain and my friends. My chest aches all the time. Sometimes I can't catch my breath. I weep at the slightest provocation. I eat only when hunger makes me. Yet my stomach gnaws constantly. Feeling chafed and raw. Sometimes the sorrow grabs causing me to gasp and stop. I feel light headed and under water. All at the same time.

I have nothing against Portland. I like it well enough. It's the most liveable city I've ever lived in, and I've lived in a few - Buffalo, New York City and Washington, DC. Portland has many lovely attributes. But here is where I woke up and claimed to be a writer. Central Oregon feeds my soul. Here I found passion to feed my creativity.

I suppose I'll manage a weekend or two a year at the observatory. Hardly the same. I will miss it dearly. I will manage to start anew. But I don't like it. Not one bit. Bend will keep my heart. Always.

I am hugely grateful we are staying in Oregon. To leave this state would grieve me more. And, I am thankful everyone is alive and well. I'm trying to be positive and have a good attitude. I think it will take some time. The tears run as I write this. The world weeps with me - its so dreary and dark out. Drippy. Like me. I asked Husband, "When do I start to feel better?" He shrugs.

Then I make notes as my main character in novel#2 can certainly use some of what I'm feeling. Her losses are more profound. Are they? To lose the one place one feels at home feels quite provoking to me. [seems someone has been reading and watching a lot of Jane Austen for some consolation - I better be guarded my characters don't take on English accents]

I feel quite lost. Cast adrift. My anchor is to be yanked away. I can use that, too. Through most of the novel, my main character flounders lost. Searching. At the end, do I find solace and hope like she does? Time will tell. I will certainly write about it here. And in any piece I write from here on out.

So see, it's not all bad. Horrible events have their uses. Writing certainly helps me cope.

How about you?